I’m so sorry I’ve been MIA dear friends. Life has been… complicated lately and I had to set a plate down for awhile while I juggled everything else. It hasn’t been fun or pretty, this wild and crazy life of mine. There have been days where I was truly and honest PISSED at the universe for dealing me the hand I was dealt. There is only so much that the human spirit can take and I feel like I reached my breaking point last week.
My husband’s grandfather, the man who raised him, committed suicide over a week ago. He was 87. We found out only a few hours after my own husband had a serious crisis with his depression, serious enough that outside help was called. I know that many of you know me in real life and know that I am that girl who always sees the sunshine in life, the eternal cheerleader. But the weight on my shoulders has been immense.
I am fortunate enough to have a beautiful network of friends who care about me and my family that I can lean on them for support. But it is still hard when the one person who you are supposed to be able to count on is the one person you cannot voice any stress or worries to for fear of sending him back into a downward spiral of depression. This is something that has been a big part of my marriage since April when he had his first real crisis and it seems most days like this is something bigger than anything I can handle.
One of my best friends said that only someone who has already gone through so much would be able to deal with everything that is happening right now, that my childhood made me strong enough to bear the weight of such a severe disease. (Personally I am pretty sure I peed on a sacred flame in a past life or was a slutty temple priestess.) I take some comfort in those words because it reminds me of all that I have been through.
I feel very raw these days, and I have to hide it well for my girls and my students. I don’t have the luxury of hiding away in bed, taking time to grieve in my own way, or raging to the heavens like I want to. I have to push on, do what I can with what I have to the best of my ability, and hope that something helps my husband so I don’t feel like I am treading water in shark infested waters.
Thank you all for your patience with me. Regular posting will resume promptly because it does help to write. And that you for just listening… that is exactly what I need right now, to know I’m not just talking to myself. Love you all!