Positive Parenting Under Stress

I think that one of the hardest things about positive and gentle parenting is trying to remember your purpose under stress. It is so very hard to not react with your gut, start yelling, or in some parent’s cases spanking. I have said before that I am a yeller. I just naturally get loud when any kind of emotion passes through me… doesn’t matter if it is happy, sad, mad, stressed… yell, yell, yell. But it’s a habit that I am slowly but surely breaking.

I am lucky in that my girls realize that I am just louder by nature and they tend to take me raising my voice with a grain of salt. They pay more attention to the words than the tone. Still, I find myself striving to maintain that gentle sing song voice that I so admire in my gentle parenting mentors. More Mary Poppins, less ghetto mama, lol!

This past week I was under extreme stress, my personal breaking point. But I didn’t have the option of taking a break to get righted, I had to just put it aside and be a mom. It wasn’t easy. There were times I wanted to close my bedroom door, pull the covers over my head, and just sleep for about a week. But that wasn’t in the cards… I just had to deal with it and not let the girls feel what I was feeling.

Here are my tips for positive parenting under stress:

1. Change the scenery- take a walk, a drive, go someplace new. If you are stressed out about home stuff then take an hour and go somewhere to give yourself a chance to cool down or find some balance.

2. Put on some music- music helps. Whether you want to rock out or need something peaceful and calming, just put on some music. People who listen to music when running run longer and music makes cleaning a lot more enjoyable- there is just something about it.

3. Get out the crayons and paper- sit down with the kids and draw, paint, color. It is therapeutic for you, the kids get the interaction that they want, and in the very least it won’t cause you more stress.

4. Scream if you need to- seriously… take a pillow, go someplace private, and let her rip! I’m sure my neighbors think I am a nutcase but I use my car to scream my frustrations… I always feel so much better.

5. Learn another language- I like to swear like a sailor when I am upset and of course the last thing I want is Moira following behind me using the same words. So I swear in Spanish when I am home. (Don’t worry, I am fluent enough that they can’t even begin to replicate the words!) Bonus points if it is a language that isn’t used where you live, then you can swear in public too! =) Finnish anyone?

6. Walk away- if you just can’t get a handle and feel your resolve slipping then do what you need to do to give yourself some downtime. This is a situation where the TV is perfectly acceptable, video games, etc. What is worse- a little screen time or you losing your cool and yelling at the kids? I like to get some laundry to fold because that is a surefire way that the girls will leave me alone, lol.

Hope these tips help. Stress is a normal part of life and once in awhile it can be too much. Recognizing when you are at your breaking point is important because you want to keep that positive parenting mindset as much as possible.

Have a good day friends!

Preserving Childhood

One of my primary jobs as a mother is to preserve my girls’ childhoods for as long as possible. In a society where it seems like children are pushed to grow up faster and faster, this can sometimes feel like either a monumental challenge or that you aren’t educating your children. There are programs to teach your baby to read, sports intensive programs for toddlers, and tutoring classes to push your child to the next grade level early. What about now though?Isn’t it more important to foster a creative imagination, a sense of confidence, a close family bond?

I guess the biggest question is this: “Why is childhood something that is not tolerated by society?”

I have written about restaurants and airlines banning children as a general policy, stores banning breastfeeding (again, something that should be a norm in childhood), and schools placing unreasonable standards of behavior on children. All this adds up to a clear picture on the mainstream attitude toward kids. Then we have the mass commercialization and marketing to children that is prevalent nowadays.

This week I took AJ out to get some new flip flops. While she tried on a few pairs I walked to Moira’s section to see what they had in stock. I was stunned and appalled by these- hot pink kitten heels- for a 2 year old! What event calls for your baby to be teetering around in heels?! More so, what parent actually buys them and makes their already clumsy baby try to walk in them? (I am pretty clumsy in heels and I am a dancer!)

This is just one example of inappropriate clothing I see marketed to kids. Pre-teens in string bikinis, toddlers with shorts that say “hot stuff”, bras for 7 yr olds…. ugh! Not right!

I want my girls to embrace and enjoy every minute of their childhood because they only get one. I want them to dress up, get messy, play hard, be loud, run…. just be children! Sure I am going to teach them things, like how to help empty the dishwasher and clean the bunny cage. But I am not going to expect perfection and will guide them the same way you help a baby learn to walk, by example more than anything.

Our society is so fast-paced and tech oriented that we forget that it is way more important that your child feel safe and loved instead of knowing how to use an iPad or can sit at a desk for 6 hours without a fuss.

Preserving my girls’ childhood is something that I am striving to do everyday and I hope others do the same… your children will thank you for it!

Let It Roll

I am pretty sure my life motto is “just let it roll”. That seems to be my mantra as of late anyhow. I have no doubt that this mindset is what has gotten me through life with little therapy, no addictions to speak of (I don’t count Menchi’s!), and no felonies on my record. I just let things roll off me and go on with life. Of course if I can do something about it I do it, but if a situation is bigger than me or my capabilities, then I let it go and move on. Sometimes Klint gets a little annoyed at this motto and mistakes it for not caring, which of course is false, but I am just not one to stress, worry, and fret over things that are out of my control.

Instead of stressing I just look to the bright side (the sunny side!!) of life. (A glass of wine doesn’t hurt either!)

Last night was really stressful, when really it shouldn’t have been. I wanted to clean up the house and my children were hell bent on not letting me get a pinch of what I wanted done. So I let it go, played, cooked, played more, and late at night when everyone was asleep I had a glass of my favorite Trader Joe’s Moscatto, listened to Selena, and cleaned to my heart’s content. It was just easier that way. =)

I can’t be too salty, if I had been cleaning I wouldn’t have eaten popsicles on the porch with these little monkeys!

Cheers!

A Peaceful Basket

Lately there has been a lot of bickering going on with the girls due partly from the move and partly because well, they are sisters. Hurt feelings, tempers flare, tears fall… it upsets everyone. After thinking about how best to handle everything I decided that maybe a peaceful retreat where the girls can think and sort out their feelings is an order. I am still sorting out spaces and such in the new house so for now I am going to put together a basket full of things to help one become peaceful when conflict happens and maybe will be able to create a dedicated space later. Here are the things I am going to add to my basket:

1. Tibetan Prayer Flags   2. Amber Mala beads  3. Peaceful Piggy Meditation book

4. Buddha Board   5. Pocket dolls for role playing

6. Chinese Stress Balls   7. Conch Shell (it feels cool to the touch, is relaxing to listen to the “ocean” and is tactile)

8. Book of Mandalas   9. DIY Meditation Jar

Some other things that you could put in the basket:

pillow

rosary

sensory box

journal

yoga cards

small chimes

smooth stones

pictures of the family members

mp3 player with peaceful music preloaded or a book

Do you have a calming space for your children? If so what is in it?

A Dash of Awesomness

Ok, so I know that I said that I was going to post about some fun St. Patty’s Day stuff, but I got a really good question/comment about my last post and I wanted to answer it before I got distracted! So bear with me…

My good friend Sara asked, ” What “annoying” qualities in kids are actually pretty awesome in adults?”

Well, I can go on and on about how AJ is stubborn, bossy, opinionated, questions everything, and goes out of her way to piss Gabby off. She doesn’t take no for an answer and throws things when she gets mad. While these qualities may irk me sometimes I know not to squash her personality because in all actuality she has many qualities of a “Leader” in the adult world. Leaders are people who question the status quot, dig in their heels to get the job done, and who are generally competitive. So all those childhood sibling rivalries really do pay off!

Gabby cries REALLY easily, she is day dreaming at times and other times she is very focused on one thing and one thing only. She lets AJ boss her around and is kinda nosy when I am on the phone. However, because she is sensitive she is great at knowing when other people are upset. Her focus will really come in handy when she has a job to do and hopefully her day dreaming will fuel her wonderful creativity.

This is the best way for me to describe how, at least in our house, these personalities are developing:

As a toddler if Gabby wanted a drink of water she would go to the kitchen, call for me to help her, and wait patiently. Sometimes this was really annoying because I knew that she could do it herself. But she was scared of spilling, etc, so she always asked and waited. She is a rule follower and not a risky taker. Then AJ came along and decided that if she wanted a drink of water she would do it herself. Sure she would make messes but she was proud of herself for figuring out the problem with no help. (She throws the rule book out every day!) Finally, I have Moira who is very quick and clever. She will go down and up the stairs by herself, but she is careful, steady, and cautious (thank goodness!). Can you see how these three personalities are different but like many adults you know?

I guess my point was that while it may be a royal pain in the butt to have to play wardrobe manager to a 4 yr old, try to go along with it because she may be the next big fashion designer. And yes, constant tears over every little frustration can really grate on my nerves sometimes… but I know that those strong emotions will come in handy when she is grown and have people looking to her for comfort.

And me? As a kid I doodled on my shoes, books, jeans… I was highly competitive in the classroom to the point that I was asking for extra work and pop quizzes. (Yes, I was THAT girl) Today I am really creative and soak up any and all information I can get my hands on. It all works out!! =)