Wonderland

Ever wake up one day and feel like you are in an alternate universe? That’s how I’m feeling these days…. nothing is as it should be, and nothing is going the way it should. I’m a firm believer in karma and such but the way the last year has gone… I’m pretty sure that I was a temple harlot in a past life. Especially after the last month and a half.

The reason why I haven’t blogged so much lately is that my life has really been in turmoil and while it isn’t my story to tell, it directly affects me and is always on my mind. Nothing else seems to distract me enough to put it aside and go back to the optimistic, glass half full, sunny side up attitude that was my status quo. And that sucks. You would think that surviving my childhood would be enough for the universe, that in those 18 years I paid my dues and would have a life full of happiness, love, and life enhancing experiences. I guess the universe had more in store for me than I bargained for.

I feel like Alice, trapped in a dream turned nightmare, shouting at myself to wake up and praying that I will be back in the choir room or dance studio, when my only real stresses were taking math tests and memorizing music. I wouldn’t trade anything for my children, I would even do all this over again, but a case of selective amnesia sounds pretty good right about now.

I know that I still need to hang on, that I can’t let go of this cliff I am gripping ever so tightly. My girls need me to be strong, to smile even though I feel like hiding in bed all day, and to push on being the best mom I can be. It just really really sucks that I have to face these situations I constantly find myself in. And of course I realized it too late before the real damage was done.

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2 thoughts on “Wonderland

  1. Oh, Connie! I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. As a therapist, I see so many moms and dads who aren’t able to keep on smiling, or get out of bed, or be strong for their kids. You are doing an amazing job! Your three girls are ever-so fortunate to have you as their mother and role model! I am always amazed and in awe of you. xoxo

  2. “Somebody did a study and the conclusion was, if you live in the best house in a shit street, you feel much happier than if you live in an objectively much nicer house but it’s the smallest one in a nice area. That’s something I think about a lot. It may be part of why I feel happy with my life. I’m living in quite a rough part of London, where I see people who are really poor. When I go to Chelsea, I feel a complete scrote.

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