Apparently I have a blog…

Why is it that I only remember that I have this space when my life is in utter turmoil? It is like a secret blanket that is there for me when life gets chilly, but not really needed when the weather is warm.

So, what drove me back here, to my refuge, to my space that is selfishly mine alone?

Where to begin? First I have my sister, who has been estranged from me for years, who was arrested last week for house burglaries with her husband. They are both drug addicts and this has not been her first run in with the law. Even though we don’t talk I still am sad that this is what her life has come to. Heroin, meth, opiates… the list goes on. She is the product of a failed foster system, a broken system that left her behind and in the hands of people that cared about the money given for taking care of a neglected girl. It deeply saddens me.

Topping this off is the trouble that my husband and I are having with his depression. He has had it our whole marriage, is genetically predisposed to mental illness, and it is taking a toll on our relationship. When he is not depressed everything is fine, life is rosy and we merrily bump along. But those periods are far and few between. Instead, the majority of the time I have a partner who is checked out of this family. He see everyone and everything around him as a burden to be suffered instead of seeing what he really has in front of him. Tonight was a doozy, complete with nasty tidbits hurled my way ranging from the fact “I always get to do what ever I want and have fun all the time” to once again harping on my love (and the girls’ love) of the pets. *The “do whatever I want” part was referring to me taking the girls to the museums and arranging playdates with other homeschoolers. Apparently me having fun with the kids is just offensive.

Le sigh. And this is why I came running back, with open arms, to my beloved blog. A place to vent, to write, to send my thoughts into space where hopefully answers and knowledge will come back to me.

The depression is the big thing. I don’t want the rest of my life to be about me barely staying afloat mentally, while being a caregiver and not a wife. But I am not ready to give up and tear our family apart just yet.

Well, tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one. Maybe I will come back and share some of the fun that has been going on around here? We shall see! Until then dear friends, thank you for listening to me. =) ~Connie


6 thoughts on “Apparently I have a blog…

  1. My son suffers from depression. When he is on the right meds, things are fine. Then he won’t take them, and you can see the look in his face. It is such a sad life for him and his family. I hope your husband gets the right meds. I also pray that your sister will get clean. At the bottom of every person’s dependency, there is always pain, Discovering the pain and healing it is an essential step in ending dependency.

    There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment Lynn. It is such a complicated business, addictions and mental illness. We’ve tried the medication route a couple times with my husband, he is one of those the commercials refer to: “may experience increase in suicidal thoughts and actions”. We’ve tried a couple meds but after the last time, when he ended up in the hospital from a serious threat, he is pretty hesitant to try new ones. Your advice was very well received and I thank you for your wise words. I hope that your son can find his happiness too.

  2. You know my personal experience with having a loved one with depression. I hope things will get better for you and your family. And stay better. Much love!!

    1. I do know and appreciate the fact that I am not alone in this. Things get better for awhile and then fall apart with such severity, it is really hard each time to bounce back from it. But I am still here, hanging on. =)

  3. Connie,
    I hope people responded with love and support to this posting. I have experience with addiction and was married to someone who was severely depressed. Sometimes it felt like I had been run over by a steam roller, it hurt to even breathe. I’ve wondered about the title of your blog. I believe I understand now. Even though you are going through very tough times you will always turn to the sun. The sun fills you and shines out of you. That’s why your husband was drawn to you, he needs sun and light. You’ll do what is right for you and your girls. I always enjoy your blog. I’m glad you do too! It’s good you have a hopefully ‘safe’ place to express your true self. May today be filled with light and love and energy. Many people care. Always in my prayers, Debbie

    1. Thank you so much for your comment Debbie. It makes me sad that you have first hand experience with depression in a spouse but at the same time it is nice to know I am not alone. And yes, my outlook on life is to be “sunny-side up”, keep on swimming and just hope that the light wins in the end. I can feel your hope and thoughts from here and am grateful for them. I hope your day is as lovely as you are. ~Connie

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