Apparently I have a blog…

Why is it that I only remember that I have this space when my life is in utter turmoil? It is like a secret blanket that is there for me when life gets chilly, but not really needed when the weather is warm.

So, what drove me back here, to my refuge, to my space that is selfishly mine alone?

Where to begin? First I have my sister, who has been estranged from me for years, who was arrested last week for house burglaries with her husband. They are both drug addicts and this has not been her first run in with the law. Even though we don’t talk I still am sad that this is what her life has come to. Heroin, meth, opiates… the list goes on. She is the product of a failed foster system, a broken system that left her behind and in the hands of people that cared about the money given for taking care of a neglected girl. It deeply saddens me.

Topping this off is the trouble that my husband and I are having with his depression. He has had it our whole marriage, is genetically predisposed to mental illness, and it is taking a toll on our relationship. When he is not depressed everything is fine, life is rosy and we merrily bump along. But those periods are far and few between. Instead, the majority of the time I have a partner who is checked out of this family. He see everyone and everything around him as a burden to be suffered instead of seeing what he really has in front of him. Tonight was a doozy, complete with nasty tidbits hurled my way ranging from the fact “I always get to do what ever I want and have fun all the time” to once again harping on my love (and the girls’ love) of the pets. *The “do whatever I want” part was referring to me taking the girls to the museums and arranging playdates with other homeschoolers. Apparently me having fun with the kids is just offensive.

Le sigh. And this is why I came running back, with open arms, to my beloved blog. A place to vent, to write, to send my thoughts into space where hopefully answers and knowledge will come back to me.

The depression is the big thing. I don’t want the rest of my life to be about me barely staying afloat mentally, while being a caregiver and not a wife. But I am not ready to give up and tear our family apart just yet.

Well, tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one. Maybe I will come back and share some of the fun that has been going on around here? We shall see! Until then dear friends, thank you for listening to me. =) ~Connie

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Summer Loving

Hello!!! Sorry for the extended hiatus friends. Once recital season was over I happily slid into a summer routine of playing, museums, sleeping in, and before I knew it the day ran out of hours without room for blogging.
I’ve been gardening, catching fireflies, crafting pretty things like this wreath-

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and generally enjoying life. 😀
Here are some more photos from the last couple of weeks, have a great night!

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What a Week!

Well, I was doing good blogging everyday, lol. This week has been a rough one… getting in the swing of teaching dance five days a week and then throwing our homeschool co-op on top of that, let’s just say I was seriously needing some wine yesterday! We have co-op from about 9:30am to 3pm, but I have a lot of prep to do for that, and then at 3pm I rush home, throw the kids at Klint, change into my dance gear, and then jet to the studio for about 4 hours of teaching. Needless to say- it’s a loooooooong day.

We went apple picking a few days ago. It was soooo much fun! Even though the orchard had lost about 80% of it’s crop thanks to the summer drought, we still managed to pick about 50lbs of apples in little less than 30 minutes!! (So if you have a favorite apple recipe you want to share, please do so!) We picked Macintosh and Jonathans, my favorites.

We have been taking the girls to this orchard since Gabby was little, one of our fall traditions. There are chickens, horses, and bees along with pumpkins and other produce. Moira was obsessed with the chickens and happily munched on her own little apple while she trailed behind her sisters.

I hope that this upcoming weekend and week go a lot smoother and that I find a rhythm to this crazy life of mine!!

Still Here

I’m still here and I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in a couple of days. I have had a family crisis and am still reeling from the event, the fall out, and the severity of what happened. I have talked about my brother who tried to kill himself last year because he was severely depressed. Unfortunately depression has affected another member of my family to the point where I had to get outside help to intervene.

Scary doesn’t begin to describe what it feels like to know that someone you love wants to take their life and has the means to do so with ease. I have never been in that situation, where I didn’t know what to do and how to calm the person down. I am so very thankful that I had friends that I could call for support who advised me that I needed help quickly from professionals.

I have been reading a lot about this disease and am lucky enough to have an online support group that I have been talking to for the past year. It is really hard because I have a lot on my plate as it is with teaching dance, recitals, homeschooling, a baby, etc. I feel like I am treading water in a very chopping sea… at any moment a wave is going to topple me under and I won’t be any use to anyone.

I had posts planned about Easter, about the news that are being proposed that would taken away even more rights from women, posts about fun carefree stuff. But the events from Saturday are still fresh in my mind and I am trying to sort out all the emotions and logistics of what happened and how to make sure that it never, ever, happens again. I am going to go to a support group to help me with the new level that this disease has taken my loved one, all I do know is that I am going to fight like hell to help and going to rally everyone we know to help as well. Just like a person would call for help if a disease like cancer or diabetes struck, mental illness is no different.

So yes, I am here and the fun, normal Connie, posts will be back. Hang in there with me and if you could send a kind word or thought my way I would greatly appreciate it. Trust me, every one will be read and treasured. Thank you dear friends.