Why is it that I only remember that I have this space when my life is in utter turmoil? It is like a secret blanket that is there for me when life gets chilly, but not really needed when the weather is warm.
So, what drove me back here, to my refuge, to my space that is selfishly mine alone?
Where to begin? First I have my sister, who has been estranged from me for years, who was arrested last week for house burglaries with her husband. They are both drug addicts and this has not been her first run in with the law. Even though we don’t talk I still am sad that this is what her life has come to. Heroin, meth, opiates… the list goes on. She is the product of a failed foster system, a broken system that left her behind and in the hands of people that cared about the money given for taking care of a neglected girl. It deeply saddens me.
Topping this off is the trouble that my husband and I are having with his depression. He has had it our whole marriage, is genetically predisposed to mental illness, and it is taking a toll on our relationship. When he is not depressed everything is fine, life is rosy and we merrily bump along. But those periods are far and few between. Instead, the majority of the time I have a partner who is checked out of this family. He see everyone and everything around him as a burden to be suffered instead of seeing what he really has in front of him. Tonight was a doozy, complete with nasty tidbits hurled my way ranging from the fact “I always get to do what ever I want and have fun all the time” to once again harping on my love (and the girls’ love) of the pets. *The “do whatever I want” part was referring to me taking the girls to the museums and arranging playdates with other homeschoolers. Apparently me having fun with the kids is just offensive.
Le sigh. And this is why I came running back, with open arms, to my beloved blog. A place to vent, to write, to send my thoughts into space where hopefully answers and knowledge will come back to me.
The depression is the big thing. I don’t want the rest of my life to be about me barely staying afloat mentally, while being a caregiver and not a wife. But I am not ready to give up and tear our family apart just yet.
Well, tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one. Maybe I will come back and share some of the fun that has been going on around here? We shall see! Until then dear friends, thank you for listening to me. =) ~Connie